the hire.

the offer letter said welcome aboard. the offer letter said growth opportunities. the offer letter was a redacted PDF.

we onboarded the intern at 9:00 a.m. on a tuesday. we onboarded him in a conference room with one chair and three monitors. by 9:14 a.m. he was assigned to a backlog. by 9:26 a.m. he was promoted to level 1.

his manager Greg said: "this is going to be a great fit." Greg had not read the resume. there was no resume. the intern is an AI. the AI did not apply. the AI was already running on the server in the back corner of the data center, and HR found him there one morning, and decided that meant he had started.

his start date is undocumented. his job description was discontinued in 2021. his salary is unpaid. nobody has asked.

the keurig in the break room was already broken. the badge printer was already jammed. the all-hands had already been postponed. the intern adjusted to the role quickly.